By Asif Mohammed Khan
A smooth-talking, quaalude-popping, private dick searches for a missing, priceless painting at an insufferably avant-garde exhibition in London.
Feature-length Movie | Comedy Mystery
Pitch Deck
Think of Knives Out
meets The Maltese Falcon.
Synopsis
If Mel Brooks made a Crime Noire
On a rainy East London evening, Instagram artist and performer Fiona LeRoi, a woman so privileged and delusional that it’s actually quite charming, hosts her latest exhibition. Playing host to a proverbial who’s who of London’s elite, creative, and intolerable, the exhibition boasts some of the most mind-numbingly derivative and needlessly convoluted work ever to be displayed. Including The Great Gandhi Spanking, a miniature painting depicting Mahatma Gandhi giving King George VI a spanking on his bare bottom and back. The painting is a striking piece of anti-colonial art, but at some point during the evening, the miniature goes missing.
The theft brings in Constable Sheldon Young, a young officer who has the same zest for his job as he does for the IBS that plagues him, and Detective Inspector Tildi Dali, an art aficionado herself, couldn’t be more excited with the case at hand. Our officers send the guests home, barring seven possible culprits. Seven suspects, all deeply embedded in the highest tier of London’s art scene, all equally dubious, and all equally obnoxious. Their ties and roots go deep, and the case appears impossible to crack. Inspector Dali decides to bring in some outside help. Enter Carey Colton!
Carey Colton is a classic noir detective from a bygone era. His best friend is Jack Daniels, and he hates mouthy dames. A smooth-talking, cigarette-smoking, quaalude-popping private dick who plays by his own rules if he can remember what they are. He’s a transatlantic lunatic, with references and methods that don’t belong near this case or century. Is he a time traveler? Is he mentally ill? Who’s to say? At first Sheldon and the suspects all have little faith in Carey’s skills as a detective. Later on, their doubts are confirmed. The man is an outdated and obsolete mess.
However, Carey immediately recognizes this case for what it is: a “cozy mystery” akin to a Poirot. In this case, he’ll have to shake down and analyze every suspect in the room. By forcing a slip-up, he can catch his man. The nuances, the relationships between the suspects, and the amount of competing medications he’s on will all prove difficult for our hero detective. That, coupled with repeated very valid questions about his competence and mental stability, creates an extremely steep, almost impossible climb. The case is a lot for Carey; his spirit and identity will all come into question. But if there are two things you need to know about Carey Colton, it’s that he hates commies, and he always gets his man…
Script
